The Life of Bon: When you've got the blues

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

When you've got the blues

Last night I was sad.
And maybe a little crazy.

I don't really know what triggered it, I just felt sad.
And maybe a little crazy.

I had a regular day at school, nothing out of the ordinary, came home, ate some chips and dip, watched tv, and just felt really sad.

Sometimes, very out of the blue, waves of grief will wash over me and I'll miss my dad so much that I can hardly breathe. He's been gone for over two years, but it is amazing to me how stinging that pain can still be sometimes.  Out of nowhere it arrives at my door, knocks me off my feet, and leaves me reeling in its wake.  It showed up on Sunday and stayed with me all the way into yesterday evening.

Last night Hubs wanted to stay in, cuddle up, and watch Supernatural.  But I wanted to go out and do something. Anything.  Bowling, mini-golf, ice cream, I didn't care, I just wanted to do something. Hubs begged to stay inside and I begged to go out.

And I felt really sad.  And a little bit crazy.

Suddenly everything seemed very bleak.  Missing my dad morphed into missing countless people, relationships, and stages in my life that have passed. I missed my sister in Argentina and yearned for her to be home.  The sorrow seemed to be skidding quickly out of control, and I didn't know how to curb it.  It transferred itself from a longing for the past to a certainty that me and Hubs are an awful match.  The little devil in my head told me that Hubs and I were never going to enjoy doing the same things. That we had none of the same interests. That he'd always prefer staying in and taking it easy, and I'd always prefer being out and about, doing high energy activities. And then that devious little devil of mine told me that one of us was always going to be unhappy trying to make the other happy.

Finally I decided that I needed to go for a run. I hate any form of exercise just as much as the next gal, but when I've got a serious case of the blues, it's my infallible cure-all.

The running did things for me that only strenuous exercise can.  It breathed life into my body, invigorated me, and purged so much of my negativity.  I thought, I meditated, and I prayed.  My head was cleared.

When I came home almost an hour later, Hubs seemed a little concerned.
"Everything okay, Bon?" 
"Yah... I'm just kinda trying to figure things out."
"Figure things out?" The poor boy was confused.  You got to admit, my answer was somewhat cryptic.
"You know... just kind of sorting through some things..." 
And as much as I was trying to hide back the tears, Hubs, with his tenderness and sensitivity, could tell I was on the verge of crying.  His face softened, his arms stretched out toward me, and he whispered, "Come here, Bon, it's okay..."
So I crawled into his welcoming arms.  And I cried. 
"Bon. What in the world do you have to be crying about?"
"I don't know." I answered.  Because I didn't. I really didn't know.  Sometimes you are just sad and you have no real reason to be sad, but you are.
"Babe, I love you so much.  You've got nothing to cry about."
"I guess I just miss my dad."
Hubs was silent and stroked my hair.
"And I guess I just think we're never going to enjoy the same thing and I'm just going to drive you crazy with my energy..."
Hubs laughed, a soft gentle laugh. "Oh, Bon, please, we're perfect for each other...Everything is okay."

And so he hugged me and he hugged me and he told me that everything was ok. 
And then, somehow, everything was ok.  Hubs sat me up on the couch, tucked the blanket around me, and cooked up some chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner.

Even after 25 years, I don't fully understand my emotions.  Sometimes I am convinced that all girls are straight up crazy, and that I am the leader of the pack.  I don't understand my emotional rollercoaster or occasional mood swings or sudden waves of sorrow or doubt or fear.

But I do know that when Hubs says "Everything is okay," he means it.
And I know that I'm so grateful for Hubs and his way of knowing what I need. So grateful for all the rich relationships in my life that mean so much to me. So grateful for the people that make me who I am and bring happiness into my life, whether they are a part of my life now, or a part of my life in the past. Whether they are in Utah, or in Argentina, or in heaven, I'm so grateful to have them.

So blessed because of the people in my life.

I ask you to forgive me for my emotional/insecure/doubtful rant. Afterall, I'm just a girl, and I guess as part of my membership of that gender, I am entitled to have these moments from time to time.

I'm still cramping up a storm.

And it never hurts to blame your craziness on that.

Some of the most important people in my life. 
My family- siblings, siblings' husbands, and kids.
They're the best.
Also the biggest :)

My friends. We were made for each other.

My old man.
Miss him.

Love him.


  1. that was so sweet! everyone has days like that, and i know exactly how you feel! sometimes crying is the most therapeutic thing in the world, you are so blessed to have a wonderful man and a great family! it's officially spring time so that means time to smile :)

  2. i had my "day" the other day! also due to cramping.
    hope yours goes away soon. looking at these pictures sure helps do the trick to cure an upside down smile though!
    xx jes

  3. So I totally just teared up reading this, because I have those same moments! I think everyone gets sad for no specific reason sometimes...and those moments when you start to question things, like your marriage, when there is no good reason to do so. Darn those girl hormones! I need to start running when I feel like this, but I am so out of shape, lol.

  4. I totally cried for no reason today and was sad too. I feel you girl!

  5. I so feel you there. My dad passed away in December 2009 and, while the pain has gradually fallen aside for other things, I do still have those days where I hurt so bad from it and I can't stop myself from getting sad.

    Lucky you have a good husband to be there for you. My boyfriend tries, but he doesn't understand my wonky emotions.

  6. Totally had a day just like you did today. Although I was mourning for other reasons, I was also sad without any purpose as well. I literally felt like I was going crazy! You're not alone Bon! Maybe its because I get it from your side of the family. ;) jk love ya!

  7. Miss Dad too. It is very hard.

    Call me when you miss Mary! You know you have TWO other sisters, right???

    And it is a sad day when you realize you don't share everything in common with your soulmate. But, hopefully you'll both realize that it's give and take. The more you show Hubs you're willing to stay in and kick back with him, hopefully the more he'll be willing to do what you want to do. If he doesn't, well, tell him he's being a twirp and call up Crazy A or someone else who enjoys the same things you do. Ben is by nature a homebody too. Left to his own devices he would relax in the recliner with the tube on all day. I drag him out every weekend.

  8. I have days like this too, we all do. And when I do I've also found that running or exercising is the best medicine.

    My bf is a huge homebody too, 90% of the time I know that when we go out he's doing it for me, which is sort of sweet I guess :) Sometimes it can be frustrating, but they say opposites attract for a reason.


  9. I have this almost every month, also due to cramping and running is one of the best things for me to do :)

    I just listen to music and breath and then everything is better!!

  10. Sorry you were having a hard day, Bonnie :( Im just glad that Greg was there to comfort you in the end. That's the best part of having a loving husband, they can fix everything in the world with just the sweet little lthings they say :) miss u, we need to chat soon! I'm always free, so call me when u have time!

  11. One of my husband's professors at BYU asked all the girls in the class, "How many of you have started crying and not known why you were crying?" ALL of the girls raised their hands. He then asked the boys, NONE of them raised their hands. He explained that that was the reason they will never understand girls. Haha We are all a little crazy sometimes!

  12. first of all, you are NOT crazy!! we all feel sad {and sometimes for no apparent reasons}. your hubs is obviously SO sweet. sounds like you definitely ARE perfect for each other!

  13. seriously... i am always like Fletch it is the birth control!

  14. Bonnie - having lost my mom about 2.5 years ago, I definitely know the waves of sadness you are talking about. It's a little crazy that right when you think you've got it under control, the emotional roller coaster takes off again. From what I've seen here you have a beautiful and loving family there for you when you need them. But when all else fails, going for a run never hurts and it's a great way to refocus :) Hope today was better!

  15. I love you so so so so much, Bon. It's ok to be sad...especially about missing people you love that you might not see for a while. Just remember you are amazing and strong and wonderful and beautiful and you make sunshine wherever you go. Thanks for reminding us all that it's ok to be a little grumpy and overwhelmed sometimes.

  16. I love this and it made me cry. I can't imagine losing a parent and I know when the day comes that I do, I will never get over it. I've also been to the point where I feel my bf and I, who have been together 4 1/2 years, aren't meant to be sometimes. I'm definitely all sorts of crazy more times than not. We are all entitled to these moments. Thanks for sharing!

  17. Your blog entries are outstanding. Thx