What I've Learned from the Same-Sex Marriage Debate

There's been a lot of commotion in Utah lately over gay marriage.

Here's the gist if you missed out:  On December 20 a judge in Utah overturned Utah's ban on gay marriage saying it was unconstitutional.  Then a whole lotta people married their same sex partners.  Then the court put a hold on same sex marriage.  Then the people who got married were told their marriages might not be recognized.  Then the attorney general said they would be recognized.  It has been a lot of back and forth and a lot of uncertainty.

Utah is a very conservative state.  It is highly influenced by the Mormon church and culture.  The Mormon church believes marriage is between a man and a woman. (The church's most recent statement can be found here.)  At the same time, there are many people in Utah who desperately want the rights to marry someone of their same sex and resent Utah for withholding these rights.

To be honest with you, the whole debacle is very confusing to me.  I am a Mormon and believe in Mormon doctrine.  But then what happens when some doctrine seems to counteract other doctrine?  These are all things I believe:

- God loves all His children.
- God put us on Earth to be tested.
- God also put us on Earth to find joy. (One of my favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon states, "Men are that they might have joy.")
- One of our greatest gifts from God is our agency- the ability to make our own choices.
- Marriage is between a man a woman.
- We are to live Christlike lives which means showing charity, kindness and compassion toward our fellow men.
- One of my favorite teachings of Christ: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Currently, my facebook wall is awash with passionate rants and raves from both sides of the argument.  Many people that I love and respect believe to their very core that we should never allow same sex marriage.  Many people that I love and respect believe the exact opposite.  I have Mormon friends on both sides; I have non Mormon friends on both sides.  I expected that there would be a little tension over the issue, but I have been absolutely appalled by some things that have been said by both sides.  I have been  embarrassed for people, shocked that people would say things that are so insensitive or cruel.  After a friend of mine blatantly attacked the Mormon church and its beliefs I typed out a biting reply and stared at it for ten minutes before I finally decided to delete it.  I didn't want to feel hatred or bitterness which is what I was feeling in that moment.  I have stayed quiet mostly because I do not know the answers.

This is what I do know.  In our search for correct doctrine and what God wants for marriage, we may have forgotten completely what God wants in the way of kindness, compassion, and joy.  I have heard incredibly ignorant and hateful remarks toward people with same sex attraction.  I have seen people blatantly attacking my religion and choice of beliefs.

What we all need is more understanding.  I had a student with same sex attraction say to me once, "Churches are awful places.  In "church" they teach you to hate gays."  Well.  I have spent a lot of time in "church."  Pretty much every Sunday, in fact.  I've never once heard anyone say to "hate gays".  The boy was clearly misinformed.  He heard something about a church or a religion and believed it point blank without ever having stepped a foot in the actual church.  Likewise I have many friends with very passionate beliefs for traditional marriage. I have an acquaintance who is very passionate about the subject- she will go off for hours on how gays should not be allowed to marry or adopt or enjoy the rights that heterosexuals enjoy without batting an eye.  She doesn't know any one who is gay.  Pretty easy to make a lot of decisions for people when you don't know anyone personally involved, right?

In many ways I feel like I am right in the middle of this argument which puts me in the unfortunate position of being offended by nearly everything that is said by either side.  On one hand I am fiercely defending what religious leaders have said on the subject and what I believe God intended for marriage.  On the other hand I am fiercely defending agency and the right to choose our own paths.  And with what little time or energy is left I find myself pleading, "Where is the Christlike love in any of this?"

On Sunday Greg and I invited my two brothers, sister in law, and niece over for dinner.  It was a small group, just enough to barely fit around our little table.  My brother asked what we thought about the recent debates and he expressed frustration at people who had said insensitive or unkind things about the issues.  He said he had walked out of lunch at work one day because the conversation had turned nasty.  We talked about it much longer than we should have with many of us with differing views on the point and in the end we came to no conclusions.  But it felt good to be able to discuss a difficult topic in a safe environment and feel love and kindness during the discussion instead of resentment or hatred.  My brother commented that it was the most civilized, kind conversation he had ever been a part of on the topic.

I don't know the answer to what God intends for people with same sex attraction, and I may never know the answer.  I have thought about it a little more in the days since, however, and these are things I do know:

-It is not our place to judge.

-God understands everything much better than we do.  At some point we will be blessed with more knowledge, but for right now we are asked at least these two things: 1) faith and 2) charity.

-This life is a test.  I believe our reaction to things like the gay marriage debate are part of our test.  How kind can we treat each other?  Can we be respectful towards others' beliefs and desires no matter how much we personally disagree with them? (This goes for both sides.)

-Sometimes it is best to just be quiet.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite things that have ever been said on the topic, and I think about it many times when I am frustrated by not knowing the answers. This was a comment my friend, Sally, left on a post on the same topic that I wrote nearly two years ago:

The New Testament is rife with stories that try to explain that God doesn't judge us all the same. The story about the talents - he gives some 10, some 5, and some 1...the story about the workers in the field that are called at different hours of the day...

I think the most important thing that we need to do is just show love and kindness. God does not ask us to be judgmental or cruel. He asks us to love one another. If we all had Christ-like love, I believe that God would bless us with the knowledge of why some things are.

Amen, Sal.

(P.S. This is one of the most genuine and heartfelt posts I have ever read on what it is like to be a gay Mormon.  Chad is a friend of mine from BYU- the "Mormon University".)

I have nothing to say.

I've got a bad case of writer's block and there seems to be no cure.

When I first started blogging I remember people asking me if I ever ran out of things to say.  And I'd brag, "Nope!  I got a lot to say!  So very very much to say!  So many topics so little time I shall never run out of the many things to say!"

Welp.  Looks like I've run out.  It took five posts for a week for two and a half years.  Some 600 posts.  Every thought I have ever had has now been released onto the internet.

Here's the thing.  A lot of times I think I run out of things to say, but I invariably find something to write on within time.  I've got a little routine for when I come to my blog ready to blog but with nothing to say.  Here's what I do:

A)  Read my favorite blogs for inspiration/ ideas of what to write on.  If no idea comes then I
B)  Look at gomi to see what other bloggers are complaining about.  I'm not necessarily proud of this, but it is what it is.  If no idea comes after this then I
C)  Read posts that I wrote a year ago from the current week or month.  If no idea comes then I
D) Look through pictures on my computer hoping that they will spark an idea or a story.  If no idea comes after this then I
E) Get on facebook until I find something that someone somewhere is talking about that is interesting to me.

That's it.  I've only been to E!  Before I have always found something to write on by the time I get to E.  But not today!  Today I went all the way through E!  Over and under and around A-E and I came up with nothing.  I read blogs, I skimmed gomi, I read my old posts, I searched pictures, I wasted my life on facebook and it was all in vain!  I've got no ideas.

I, BONNIE BLACKBURN LARSEN, DECLARE THAT ON THIS DAY, JANUARY 13, 2013, I OFFICIALLY HAVE NOTHING TO SAY.

(Oddly enough, that whole thing just reminded me of The Office episode where Michael Scott yells at the top of his lungs, "I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!"  Please tell me you've seen that episode.  Gosh, that show was brilliant back in its hey day.)

Now would be the time when you tell me what you do when you have nothing to post about.  Once upon a time I wrote a post on how I work around writer's block and how I make sure that I have something interesting to say every day.  Which just shows that I've basically just been full of crock this whole time.

Because I officially have run out of things to say, I am having Melany take over for the rest of my shift.  Trust me, this woman has many, many interesting things to say.  She lives in Southern California, is a self proclaimed "groupie", and navigates for us the wonderful world of dating in Los Angeles.  Her life is polar opposite of mine which might be why I enjoy reading her blog so much- it's like picking up some kind of foreign, fascinating novel.  Take it away, Melany!

Hello “Life of Bon” fans! I am so happy to be here with my guest post and want to congratulate Bonnie on her hard work and parlaying her blogging “Rockstar-ness” into something truly inspiring on this website. You rock! Here is to 2014 and all the new opportunities ahead! I am a fellow bloggess with a bit of a different message than Bonnie but at the end of the day all of us lady bloggers have one thing in common – we write exactly what is on our minds whether it be about fashion, makeup, dating or just life in general. So, that is where my blog comes in. At first the blog began as an outlet resulting from a horrific breakup but it has turned into so much more than that now. It is my mouthpiece, my identity and my best friend. I am super proud of my blog and hope that you all come on over and let me know what you think. Don’t be shy and visit me in all places! A little more about me: I am a single girl living in Beverly Hills with way too many TRUE STORIES to tell. I write about being young, single and working (unknowingly) as a flytrap for ALL the stupid people in the world. I have been told that I need to write a book so, I started blogging!

From Northern California originally, but moved to LA to work for William Morris, Irving Azoff, MTV, CAA and all the other big dogs (old men) in the music business (behind the scenes because I break car windows and make dogs bark when I try and sing). This was fantastic until I realized I was approaching 30 and still wanted to be a groupie in a rock band. So, I packed my things and relocated back to San Francisco where the freaks got weirder and my dating life nearly stopped because the guys were more interested in looking at each other than me. So, that brings me back to LA where I have started writing a blog and sharing my experiences with others who enjoy laughing at themselves, the harsh world, and of course, my stories. I have a lot to say in regards to guys and dating but since Bonnie has found a great “Ginger-man”, us single ladies will have to “keep on keepin’ on” in search of our “Ginger”.

 Melany’s Guydlines here– (the bible). Follow me on twitter here.  

Like me (I do) here: Watch me (not like that) here.

What amazes me

Leggings:  Chicnova  Cardigan: Chicnova.  (I also love it in cream)  

Boots:  Old Navy  Undertee: Downeast Outfitters

I am absolutely in love with these pleather leggings.  I have wanted leather pants for a while but haven't wanted to spend the money, so these leggings are the perfect compromise.  They are just as comfortable as normal leggings but with just a little bit of edge on them.  I'm in love!  The boots are compliments of Greg as part of my Christmas gift.  The man has good taste.

I want to thank you all for your love and comments on Friday's post.  That post had been floating around in my head for close to a year and it took me that long to gather my thoughts, find an appropriate way to write about it, and work up the bravery to air that all out on the internet.  You have all been so kind about it. My main point I wanted to get across through writing the post is that we are all deeply flawed human beings.  No one has a perfect marriage or an easy life regardless of what it may look like on blogs, instagram or facebook.  The best things in life take a lot of work, love, and sacrifice.

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Yesterday I finished a book.

Winter has its downfalls, there is no doubt about it, but one thing I will always thank winter for is the power it has to send me into complete hibernation mode.  I am high energy and antsy by nature, always having to be on the go, seeing someone, doing something.  I generally like this about myself, but sometimes it is exhausting. Spring and summer make it even worse.  I am wrought with guilt if I stay inside when the weather is nice.  I can't read today!  It's too beautiful!  No time for movies!  I must be outside!  Beautiful days make the ants in my pants start crawling full force and there is no time for relaxation and long mornings in bed and cuddles and pjs.  The sun is shining!

Which is why sometimes I am glad for January. There is something beautiful about holing up in a warm home with a book and hot chocolate and a six pound toy poodle.  Yesterday morning I woke up about 9. (Oh Saturdays!)  I haven't been feeling 100% well this week, so I let go of any guilt or nagging pressure I had to get up and get stuff done and allowed myself to stay in bed.  It's winter after all, and what better way to spend a Saturday morning then under the covers?  I picked my book from off my desk stand and next thing I knew it was noon and I was done with the book.

Thank you January, for that.

I am a bit embarrassed to admit that the book I finished was We Need to Talk about Kevin by Lionel Shriver.  Embarrassed because this was the book club selection (that I host!) for December and because I finished it on January 11.  I'm a crummy host if I finish the book half way through the next month, but I at least finished it eventually so... half credit?

I am glad I finished it.  I wasn't going to.  The first 100-150 pages were so slow.  I couldn't connect to the main character.  She uses many many words to say would could easily be said in a few words.  I was bogged down.

But at the insistence of some of you blog readers, I finished.  Many of you commented (on my pitiful excuse for a book discussion) that you wanted more discussion of the book and wanted to hear my thoughts on the end.  (For more complete thoughts on the book with spoilers, check out my comments on this post.)

The part of the book, interestingly enough, that struck me the most was the main character's description of what "amazed" her.  She talks about the deterioration of our world, how we hear about rapes and murders and child pornography on the news and we're not even surprised by it anymore.  We're almost used to it- so desensitized to the evil that we hardly bat an eye.  In her words:

“Holocausts do not amaze me. Rapes and child slavery do not amaze me. And Franklin, I know you feel otherwise, but Kevin does not amaze me. I am amazed when I drop a glove in the street and a teenager runs two blocks to return it. I am amazed when a checkout girl flashes me a wide smile with my change, though my own face had been a mask of expedience. Lost wallets posted to their owners, strangers who furnish meticulous directions, neighbors who water each other's houseplants - these things amaze me.” 

There is so much negativity, hate and misery in this world.  But there is just as much beauty and goodness, too.  This is what deserves the attention and the spotlight. That's what I want to focus on and celebrate in 2014.  I'm want spend more time being amazed at people's goodness.

About a week before Christmas it snowed all day long.  Looking outside my classroom, I knew a good 6-8 inches had dropped.  When I walked out to my car, a fellow teacher had cleared the snow off of the front and back windows of all the cars in faculty parking so we wouldn't have to.

Greg drove me to Price last Friday night for my little sister's open house on his one night off from performing.  It is about a two hour drive from where we live.  On the way back the canyon was closed because of an accident, and we had to take a detour, making our drive home over three hours.  He never once complained or acted annoyed.

One morning over Christmas break, staying at Greg's parents house, my father in law spent a morning searching for my car keys so he could change my oil while I slept in.

A co worker dropped by my room the day before Christmas with a bubble bath set.  "A student gave this to me... I never take baths, and I know you love them so I thought I'd give it to you instead..."

A missionary who I served with in Argentina sent me the nicest Christmas card out of the blue.  I haven't seen her since we served together five years ago and have had limited correspondence with her via facebook and instagram since.  The card was sincere and heartfelt and made me cry.

I stopped by my mom's house unexpectedly one Friday night a few weeks ago.  She was popping popcorn for eleven grand children that she was babysitting so my siblings and their spouses could go out for the night.

These are the kind of things I want to spend my time being amazed by.

Happy Monday, folks.  I hope you find some beauty and kindness in this most cruel of weekdays.

Our first year of marriage: The truth.

In March Greg and I will celebrate three years of marriage.

To us it feels like we've finished a damn marathon.  Marriage has worked us into the ground, it has pushed us to our physical and emotional limits, we've wanted desperately to quit at times.  It's been extremely trying, but in the same breath, unimaginably rewarding.  After three years we feel like we have accomplished quite the feat.  We are, after all, still alive.

On paper, Greg and I seem like we would have no problems in a marriage.  We are the same race, from the same county, practicing same religion.  We studied similar subjects in college (Theatre and English) and we have disgustingly similar senses of humor.  We are both middle class raised by two parents in Utah.  So adjusting to married life should be relatively easy, right?

It wasn't.  It was hard.

I have heard other people say that the first year of marriage was tough for them, too.  How tough- I have no idea- I have only seen the inside of my own marriage.  For me, this is one of the most difficult things about marriage.  There is nothing to compare it to, no benchmark to make sure we are all doing okay.  Is this how often "normal couples" fight?  How often "normal couples" go out?  What "normal couples" talk about?  Is my marriage healthy or unhealthy?  It's a marriage- that's about all I know for sure.

Greg and I have come a long way, and it is only after a couple of years and lots on introspection that I am even able to write about our sometimes tumultuous first year of marriage.  I write about this for a couple of reasons- I want my children to have a better understanding of their parents and to understand the struggles and conflicts that we went through.  I want them to know we fought tooth and nail for our family. Secondly, I want to be honest and truthful to readers who may have experienced or may be currently experiencing similar conflicts in relationships.  It seems kind of dumb for Greg and I to have worked so hard only to use the information to benefit for ourselves.  And so, in a post shining plenty of light on our faults and flaws, I will share with you not only our struggles and disagreements that first year, but how we worked through them.

Conflict #1:  Greg is an introvert, I am an extrovert.  When we were dating, this hardly mattered as we were so intoxicated with each other that it didn't much matter how we spent our free time.  Honestly, we spent a lot of time making out.  We couldn't have cared less who else was around.  We were also on our best behavior, always anxious to please the other. 3D action movie that I have zero desire to see?  You bet!  Dinner with your entire 85 members of your extended family?  I'd love to!  I never realized that when we were together Greg was expending energy, and that he used our time apart to recharge.  An extrovert like myself gets energy from being around people- I assumed it was the same for Greg.  When we got married I was shocked (and hurt) that he would rather sit home on a Friday night and watch a movie than go out with a crowd.  I was bugged that he didn't want to go to dance parties; he was upset that cuddling on the couch with him wasn't enough for me.  I still remember six or seven months into our marriage a Halloween argument.  After a long day of school, work, and rehearsal I was desperately trying to convince Greg to dress up and go to a costume party with me.  He begged to stay home and watch a scary movie and pop popcorn instead.  I wouldn't budge.  We were going out, dang it!  Exasperated, Greg shouted out, "Bonnie!  I don't like parties!"  I remember feeling total confusion- who was this man?
"WHAT?!  YOU ALWAYS WENT TO PARTIES WITH ME WHEN WE WERE DATING!"
"Because I was trying to impress you!  But I don't like them!"   It was a revelation to me, and not the good kind.
If I had my way we would party hard all weekend long every weekend.  If Greg had his way we'd nap and watch Netflix and never leave the apartment.  I can't tell you how many arguments we have had that have in some way stemmed from the introvert/extrovert issue.

How we compromise:  
Greg is always willing to do an extroverted activity with me IF I give him enough time to mentally prepare for it.  If I want dinner with a group of friends on Sunday I need to tell him by Wednesday or Thursday.  I have learned to always give him a few days of "prep".  If it's a big thing, like a week at my family cabin, I tell him as soon as possible- two or three months in advance.  When the event comes Greg has stored up the mental energy to handle the event.  It is when I spring stuff on him last minute that the argument and hurt feelings start up.  Greg has also learned that there are certain times I am more likely to be high energy and to give me "prep time" as well.  If he has play rehearsal all day Saturday he will often tell me, "Tonight when I get home I am just going to want to hang out with you and watch a movie.  I would love for you to do something more high energy this afternoon with your friends or sisters so that you don't feel cooped up and are okay with staying home with me tonight."  I think this will be a constant struggle throughout our marriage, but it gets easier all the time.

Conflict #2:  Money money money.  Greg and I have very different views on money.  In short, I am a saver, he's a spender.  He likes to have a good time and live for today- if we can pay for a movie why not go to it?!  I am the total opposite- we just got a check for $900, how dare you buy a $4 burger?!  Greg could lose $50 and never notice.  If someone owes me $2.50, I never forget.  So many of our first arguments were over me stressing about money, and Greg frustrated that I was sucking the fun out of everything.  We'd go to a restaurant and I'd frown disapprovingly at his expensive entree choice.  I would badger him, "You went to Wendy's again?" when he'd walk in with fast food.  I'd insist he didn't really need new jeans- he got a new pair last year.  I got bothered by Greg's total lack of interest in money- spreadsheets, budgets, credit cards, interest rates had absolutely no appeal to him.  He couldn't handle the constant nagging.  "Don't you want to know how much money we've saved this month?"  I'd ask excitedly.  "Not really, Bon Bon, but do you want to go to Olive Garden tonight?"

How we compromise:  Greg has gotten SO much better about finding small ways to cut costs because he knows it's important to me.  My heart melts when I see him using a coupon or ordering water at a restaurant instead of soda or turning down the heat so we can save on our gas bill.  It doesn't come naturally to him, and I know he couldn't care less about paying the extra few dollars, but he does it because he loves me.  Likewise, I try to be better about loosening up on the budget and not sucking the fun out of everything by worrying about money.  I let us pay full price for movies (gasp!) and we even sometimes splurge on popcorn (double gasp!)  I am still pretty uptight about finances, but I am trying to ease up and Greg is getting much better at not stopping so much for fast food.  (Greg's credit card bill is spent entirely on fast food and gas stations.  He could spend an entire year's wage on gas station snacks and be happy as a clam.)

Conflict #3:  Not knowing how to fight fair.  I'm convinced that half of the struggle in our first year of marriage was caused by not understanding how the other person dealt with conflicts.  I like to get arguments over with right away so when we would have a disagreement I was right in Greg's face, demanding answers and apologies.  Greg always retreated (I think this is a boy/girl thing?) and wanted space from me.  This made me more mad, that he wasn't more anxious to resolve the conflict and that he would let the issue continue by not taking care of it immediately.
"I don't want this going on all night!  Let's resolve it right now!" I'd insist.  
"Bonnie, I need some space."  Greg would go into the other room.
I'd follow him.  "No!  I want to enjoy the rest of our night.  Why are you acting like this?"
"I'm too upset.  Leave me alone."
"TALK TO ME!"
"STOP TALKING TO ME!"
So many of our fights escalated like wildfire and before I knew what was happening a tiny disagreement about Sunday dinner turned into a full blown battle.  Most of our problems that year had nothing to do with the actual "problem" but with in our dealing with the problem.

How we compromise:  I have gotten much better at not pushing Greg's buttons.  When he gets short or snappy, I simply remove myself from the conversation and start doing something else.  It's never long before he approaches me ready to talk about it.  Once I learned to give Greg space in an argument everything got so much easier.  Our disagreements are solved four times faster than they were before and they never escalate to the epic proportions they once did.  Greg has gotten so much better about saying sorry and admitting fault.  He has also gotten better about  not "shutting off".  I think he knows know that while I am willing to give him time in an argument, he needs to be willing to come out of his cocoon soon and talk to me.

Conflict #4:  Time with family.  Greg and I live close to both of our families which is a huge blessing.  We love being so close and feeling their support.  It also brings with it some difficulties.  Greg comes from a family of two children and I come from a family of eight children so the mere size of our families took a lot of getting used to.  Greg's family (consisting of his parents, brother and his wife, and me and Greg) goes out to eat, stays up late watching tv and talks about dogs a lot.   My family has massive family dinners and sits around a house and talks while 25 children scream in the background.  Greg felt like a stranger at my family get togethers of 100 second cousins and nieces once removed.  I got lonely with Greg's small family when no one wanted to play a game with me.  I was offended when Greg would rather spend time with his family, he likewise when I preferred mine.

How we compromise:  We love each other's families now.  This one I just think takes time and love.  Now Greg is defensive and protective of my mom, he jokes with my brothers, he adores my nieces and nephews.  I can't get enough of the crazy thing Greg's dad says, his mom couldn't be sweeter and more loving and I love hanging with his brother and wife.  It just took us time to realize how great each other's families were.

There were (and are) more issues, of course, but gosh, I'm exhausted reliving the first year.  I learned so much those first twelve months and continue to learn every day.  Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done, but by far the most rewarding.  The more time that passes in our marriage the better it gets so I take that as a good sign.  I can't imagine how freaking awesome year 30 is going to be.  As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts.  Did you (or do you) struggle with the same issues we did?

 What was the hardest thing for you to adjust to in your marriage/ long term relationship?

 

A day in the life.

A lot of people have been asking me lately what a typical day looks like for me.

Actually, no one has ever once asked me that.

But I'm going to tell you anyway.  Because I thought it might be interesting to know how a full time teacher, sometimes blogger, always tired female like myself manages her week days.  And if it's not interesting to you, good for you, you've obviously got a more exciting life than the rest of us.

6:20 am First alarm goes off.  I hit snooze.
6:25  Second alarm goes off.  I hit snooze.
6:30  Third alarm goes off.  I get up.  Most days.  My morning routine has been chiseled down and perfected to allow for the absolute maximum of sleeping time.  I brush my teeth, put on clothes that have been laid out the night before, comb my hair, and grab the lunch that I prepared the night before.  Every morning for breakfast I have milk and instant breakfast which I take with me in my car.  My entire "get-ready-for-the-day" drill takes 12-15 minutes.  Amazing, really.
6:45  Head to work.  Drink instant breakfast in the car.  Put makeup on in the car or right when I get to work.
7:00 Arrive at work.  School starts at 7:50, but my contract time goes from 7:00-3:00.  I use the 45 minutes of time before class starts to get myself ready and organized for classes.  If it's end of the quarter there are students who straggle in with homework assignments or wanting help, but most of the time it's pretty quiet in the mornings.  I check my email, make any copies I need, finalize lesson plans, write my objectives on the board, etc.
7:50 First period starts.  My first class is juniors.  Classes are 85 minutes long and I usually try to break the time up into three main activities of 20-30 minutes.  Today the first section involved a ten minute writing prompt (how they start every class), passing back some tests and going over answers, and looking at their grades.  The second section of class was an activity and discussion on "conformity" (we're finishing up a unit on transcendentalism.)  The third section of class was a short video clip and power point on Emily Dickinson.
9:25 Second period starts.  For me, this is a prep period.  I have 85 minutes to plan my lessons, (depending on the day I have to get either one or two lesson plans ready) grade papers, update scores on the computer, respond to parents' emails, etc.  It seems like it would be plenty of time but this year I have felt very crunched on my teacher prep time.  If I have already taught a unit before the planning and preparation is quick and easy, but if I haven't taught it before (my entire AP class, my current unit on transcendentalism) it takes a lot longer to get plans together.
10:49  Lunch!  I know lunch in the 10 am hour seems awfully early, but I'm always starved by this time since I ate breakfast four hours ago.  Nine times out of ten I try to go to the teacher lounge to get a break from classroom stuff and teenagers.  It's nice to talk to adults and it's nice to talk about stuff other than school.  We do talk shop a little, but generally we talk about tv or why we're mad at our mother in laws or the crazy thing we saw at the grocery store yesterday.  I really value this time to unwind and connect with my co workers.
11:25 Third period starts.  This is my AP class.  Our class today involved 1) a multiple choice practice test.  Afterward the students were allowed to get in groups of four and combine their brains to try to come up with the right answer 2) Reading and discussion of The Death of a Salesman.  We are reading the play out loud together in class- we read about 25 pages a class period.  3) Teaching of poetry words that they may likely see on the test like meter and metonymy and synechdoce.  Eighty five minutes seems like a long time to have class but by breaking it up into chunks the time seems to fly by and I swear we never get everything done I had planned.
1:00 Fourth period starts.  These are my seniors.  The class today was 1) Write opening prompt, collect final poems and introduce student teacher 2) Introduce mini research project and give students guidelines and criteria and 3) Allow students time to work on chrome books to find a topic they want to research and write their thesis statement.
2:25  Final bell rings.  Hallelujah!  If it is end of the quarter like this week 2:25 means that the real zoo begins as there is a sudden influx of students wondering when I am going to grade their essay, why they missed three points on their poem, and can they still make up the test from last month?  I am lucky if I get anything productive done after school.  Usually it is help students and if there is extra time sit in my chair and stair aimlessly at the wall.
3:00 Contract time ends- work day is over.  I try really really hard to leave at 3:00 on most days.  Depending on how much work I have coming in, I can.  I love teaching and I am so grateful for my job, but it is my job.  It is not a calling or a ministry and I get paid 40 hours a week to do my job so I try my darndest to work 40 hours a week and not put in overtime.  I'm afraid of burn out.  I've seen too many teachers who hate their job and hate the students and are bitter at the whole institution of public education for working them into the ground with hardly a thank you.  I don't want that to be me, so when it's 3:00 I go home regardless of how much work is waiting for me.  (Unless it's end of quarter.  Not much I can do there.)
3:10  Small errand.  It seems like I always have something small to get done out and about and I try to do this before I go home so I don't have to do go out again.  Run through the bank, stop for a gallon of milk, you know.
3:30- 4:00 Get home.  Greg beats me home three days out of the week and on these days he usually starts on dinner.  The days that I come home first I try to make dinner or we grab something quick.
4:00- 5:00  The lost hour.  I swear, I never know what happens during this time.  Nothing productive that's for sure.  Sometimes I watch mindless TV, sometimes I take Maverick for a walk.  Usually I scroll social media in a stupor.  I am trying to make it less social media, but sometimes you just need to veg.
5:00- 6:00   Eat dinner, clean up, hang out with Greg.  This is the only time of the day that I am guaranteed to see Greg as our schedules are usually pretty opposite.
6:00  Greg goes to rehearsal or to a performance most nights.  The nights that he is off we usually try to watch a movie or do something together.  The nights that he are gone I use to work on blog stuff.  I try to have my blog post done by 7:00 or 8:00 and then there are blog emails, correspondence, projects, reading other blogs, etc.  It always takes longer than I plan on it taking
9:00 Shower, blow dry hair and get ready for bed.  If there is time I try to watch something on TV or read.
10:00 In bed.  I tell myself I don't actually have to go sleep at 10:00 as long as I am in bed and unwinding.  I try to read 3 or 4 pages of scripture, and then I read my book of choice while trying to wait up for Greg who gets home around 10:30.  Usually I will talk to him until 11:00 or so until I pass out.
6:30 am  And we start all over again

There it is folks.  The day in the life of a teacher.  Bet you never thought it could be so interesting.  Before you go I have one awesome little blogger I want to introduce you to. Kylie is a college blogger on a low budget, keeping it relatable for blog readers.  She is funny and easy to connect to and always honest.  I love that she doesn't try to make her life look more glamorous than it is, but she pokes fun at the every day and mundane.  I loved this post where she confesses her love for her pillow pet (who doesn't love a pillow pet?!) and this post having to do with the ridiculous dating magazine at BYU, her college.  And of course, if you are a Bachelor lover there is this hilarious Bachelor recap from this week.  You can also find Kylie on Instagram, obviously!

Should kids see their parents fighting?

I ain't got no kids.  But someday I might.  And sometimes Greg and I lie down in the bed at night and talk about everything the future holds.  Are we going to be good parents?  Are we going to be able to provide for ourselves?  Are all of our kids going to come out as pale freckly ginger freaks?  (Hey!  The odds are in their favor!)

Last night we had a conversation about how one day we'd be parents and one day we'd have to make tough calls with our children and we might want to parent differently and how in the world do you raise a teenager?

And do you know what I got to thinking?

How about fights? (I guess I like to talk about fighting in marriage!)  Is it okay to argue/discuss/disagree in front of children?  In my home when my parents were having a disagreement they went into another room, or else sent us kids downstairs.  I'll be the first to admit that I sat on the stairs and listened to their arguments.  I wanted to know how it worked.  Why was dad frustrated?  Why was mom crying?  What was going on here and why couldn't I listen to it?

A month or so ago I read something that said parents shouldn't argue in front of their kids.  And I guess that thought has just been mulling around up in my head ever since.  Then tonight I read another article that said that when parents argue in front of kids it can cause the kids to have unhealthy future relationships.

So I got to thinking about it all.

And you know what I think?

I think that's crap.

Of course I don't want to be at Greg's throat all the time with little kids around, and no one wants parents who can't stop bickering.  But I think kids can see the way their parents argue and learn from it.  I think a positive role model of how to work through disagreements is not only okay, but preferable.

My parents always worked out their issues behind closed doors.  It didn't even dawn on me until I was married that they had big issues.  Of course they do.  Every couple does.  But I honestly did not know this until I was married myself.

The first few months of marriage I was overwhelmed.  I couldn't cook to save my life, Greg and I both had crazy expectations, and it seemed like we were disappointing each other over and over.  Neither of us wanted to make the other one upset, but it was like we just couldn't help it, we kept not coming through for the other one.

I felt almost guilty for these disagreements.  Like we weren't a perfect enough couple or in love enough because there were suddenly so many things we needed to work through.  I've mentioned before that early on in our marriage I thought every fight meant we were getting divorced.  I honestly started to wonder if we weren't going to make it because we had fights.  I didn't realize that this is normal.  No other couples talked about their arguments.  My newly married friends never admitted to me that they argued (Of course not, every relationship is perfect!)  And I didn't see my parents work through their disagreements.  In fact, the only thing that helped me was knowing that my brother and his wife had also had a hard time adjusting to marriage.  That was the sole thing that let me know that maybe Greg and I weren't freaks, maybe we weren't mismatched, maybe it was just a natural getting married and moving in together and learning how to make all your decisions together stage.  I wonder if I had watched my parents/ siblings/ friends/ neighbors work through disagreements if I would have been more comfortable in my own marriage those first months.  If I would have had more confidence and security knowing that surely every couple has to figure out how to work through problems together?

Maybe I'm way off base here, but I'd love your opinion on the matter.  Do you have arguments in front of your kids or do you take them to another room?  Did your parents argue in front of you?  And please, someone, can't you just give us all the right answers already?

(excerpts of this originally published January 2013)

A post that starts with 36 degrees and ends with the Common Core.

Today feels like a new beginning.

Don't get me wrong.  I hate January.  Always have, always will.

But today feels clean.  Crisp.  Like we're starting over on something.

It was my first day back to school after a dreamy two weeks off.  Last night I was in a state of dead panic imagining my return.  The early mornings!  The dark!  The cold!  How can I do it again?  And then today I just did it.  I drove to school in the dark, planned my lessons, taught my lessons, graded some papers, joked with my students.  It was easy.  And I wondered, what in the world was I so worried about going back to school for?

The sun is shining, and on my way home from school it was 36 degrees.  Not a heat wave, by any means, but liveable. Enjoyable. Take-the-dog-on-a-walk-able.  I understand that in some parts of the country it is negative ten, twenty, thirty degrees today.  I will pray for you.

The best thing about January is that the days start to get longer.  I am quite the nerd when it comes to sunrises and sunsets.  I take after my dad in that way.  He was always obsessed with how much daylight we are gaining or losing.  I have a calendar printed out next to my desk that tells me exactly what time the sun rises and what time it sets and how much daylight we are gaining each day.  From here until June it's nothing but more sunshine for us, didja know?  We've already gained 15 minutes of daylight at night!  And within two weeks we will have gained 15 more.  Ain't that something?  This next week is the darkest our mornings will ever be, but give it a fortnight and we'll start gaining time in the morning too. (And wow!  I successfully used fortnight in a sentence!)  No one loves January, but who can argue with the magic of gaining daylight?

Tomorrow I will meet my student teacher.  Yep- I am harnessing the control freak in me and letting someone else take over my classes until April. (All except my AP class- that bad boy will remain mine and mine alone.)  "Letting" is a relative term, really.  My school is at a very convenient location and close to three major universities.  Consequently, we get a lot of student teachers.  It was a cold day in hell when Copper Hills saw a student teacher because we were out in no man's land, but this new school's got them filing in right and left, day and night, fall and spring.  All the other English teachers have taken their turns with the student teachers within the past year or two, so I suppose my number was up.  Student teacher me!

I have no idea how I feel about it yet.  It will be nice to have a little extra downtime, no doubt about that.  The idea of going to school and having all day to read and write and get lessons together and feel on the ball for once in my life makes me almost giddy.  But then there's the fact that I'm a control freak.  I can just see the poor girl now, getting up to teach and me following right behind her, whispering violently in her ear, "No, no no!  You're doing everything all wrong!  Take roll on this little clipboard, not out loud!  That kid is talking- shut him up!  Your instructions are totally unclear!  This is boring- liven up your lesson!"  I don't envy the woman that student teaches for a red personality like myself.  No, I do not.

Speaking of school, I have been thinking a lot lately about the common core and trying to understand the beast that it is.  I would love to hear your thoughts.  It is no secret that I have struggled with it this year, and I have tried hard to separate my own selfish classroom wants with what is really best for my students.  I think my biggest complaint is that it shows a mistrust of teachers. (But see, that's a selfish complaint.)  At the same time, I understand and appreciate the value of having teachers teach the same standards and be on the same page.  I love that the core pushes students and has such a focus on rigor.  But then where did the imagination and creativity go?  And goodness, what happens to the poor kids who can barely keep up with the curriculum now?  Do they just get weeded out completely?  It feels "survival of the fittest"-esque to me.  There is little time for exploration and discovery with the Common Core and mostly there is time for evidence analysis evidence analysis evidence.

And then there's the flexibility issue.  I am teaching three different classes this year.  Two I have taught before, but with all the implementation of the core and different books available at this school, it honestly feels like three entirely new classes.  All year I have felt slightly out of control.  Like I just don't quite have a grip on everything.  What is frustrating to me is that I know I already have really good lessons made that I could use right now in my classes.  I have excellent, original material right at my finger tips.  But instead of doing a killer job teaching that material, I am doing a horrifically crappy job teaching all new material.  My students, as a result, are suffering.  I feel like I'm cheating them.  I am not teaching them nearly as well as I taught my students last year because it's such a dang scramble every day to get my lessons ready.  And who's to say that the new lessons and standards are any better than what I already had prepared?

One of my favorite college professors posted this article on her facebook page- very interesting reading concerning how the core got passed, how states adopted it, where the funding is coming from, what research backs it up, etc.  And then there's this video.  I know you can't believe everything you see and hear, and certainly there is another side to this argument that is not being represented, but I can't help but feel a bit disillusioned and even bitter when I see and read things like this.

I want to like the Common Core.  I do.  I want to believe that it has a lot of merit and value and that it really is better for our students.  I worry, though, that with its huge push for rigor and evidence and uniformity it is leaving so many in the dust, perhaps myself included.

I would love to hear your thoughts on the Core, especially if you are an educator or have children in school now.  (Forty five states have adopted it so almost all of you should know something about it!)  I have tried to not be too negative in this post, but have wanted to accurately express some frustrations and struggles I have had, and would love to hear your reasons for loving the Common Core.

Back to the grind.

Welp, it's January 5th, Sunday evening. 7:46.  I am staring the return to school down the throat.  When school let out two weeks ago it seemed like break would go forever.  But it didn't and it doesn't and it's time to go back to work.  It could be worse.  I could have my last assignment of the quarter due first thing in the morning.  Ah, my poor students.  Such suckers.

The break was wonderful, albeit very very busy.  With two straight weeks you would think I'd get bored, but nope.  We were here there and everywhere.  Greg's brother was in town for a week, my sister from Germany was here for five days, Greg's play opened, my best friend was here from California, my other best friend turned thirty, and of course there was the WEDDING of my little sister.

We were busy, no doubt, but above all we felt very grateful for friends, family and the time to be together.  In my old and wise age, I have discovered that my favorite thing is to be surrounded by my loved ones and just be.

And now, pictures.

There was a lot of snow to begin with.   

And a beautiful Christmas morning.

Greg's parents, always the lovebirds.

Greg's brother and his wife, Brett and Kylee.

I have no idea who these people are.

We got Monopoly for Christmas- the debit card version.  I was in heaven.  After three games, no one wanted to play with me anymore, though.

There was food.

And a six year old boy who is failing miserably at picking out his own pjs.

She sleeps in these things.  There is no sacrifice too great for the price of beauty.

Wedding day!

Nieces and nephews.  There are 16 and growing!

One of my favorite pictures of the day- taken before anybody was ready.  I especially love the expression of my three sisters and I... the same totally blank look on all four of us.  Must run in the family!  Also, Greg managed a rehearsal inbetween the ceremony and the reception which is why he's AWOL for the family pictures.  Ah, the price of fame.

My cousin is dating this guy.  He's real great.  I don't know where that ring came from.  Marianne?

Bouquet throwing.

Garter throwing.

And of course, we had to make time for little girl manis and pedis.

That's a wrap!  Now it's back to the grind.  But, sheesh, it's a good grind.

Resolutions! Resolutions! Can I get some resolutions!?

The problem with resolutions, as most of us probably know, is that within a mere month we forget about them almost completely.  February hits and we're barely working on them anymore.  Last year for her resolutions Elizabeth wrote down a goal a month  instead of the usual bunch of goals for the whole year.  Something about this really appealed to me.  It would still allow me to work on several different goals, but with the difference that it would be one at a time.  The idea is that I would still continue to work on past goals, but with a new focus every month.  That way if I get overwhelmed I can just remember that there is really only one main goal I have to be working on.  Genius, don't ya think?

So, I present to you, twelve goals for 2014, month by month.

JANUARY:  REFOCUS ON BLOGGING

I have felt a bit "off" my blogging game the past few months, so I want to refocus and get back on track.  My blog has been an extremely satisfying and rewarding experience for me, and I would like for it to continue to be so.  

Sub goals:

- Respond to 100% of blog comments left in January

- Host a link up

- Find an effective way to  advertise and increase audience (any suggestions here?)

- Start blogger round tables again

- Develop deeper connections within the blogging community.

FEBRUARY:  WRITE A BOOK

Even just writing that out makes me sick to my stomach.  I have always wanted to write a book, but have been plagued by fear.  Fear of failure, yes, but also fear of the extreme amount of time and energy and dedication it will take.  Who knows if the book will ever get published, but I'm tired of not trying.

Subgoals:
-Write five days a week for 1-3 hours.

MARCH:  BE A BETTER WIFE
Sometimes I just think Greg deserves a kinder, happier, less insane woman.  That's all.

Sub goals:
- No nagging.
- Do an act of service daily for Greg.
- Say thank you more often.
- Be more willing to do "his activities" and less pouty when we don't do "my activities."
- Tell him I love him and compliment him every day.

APRIL:  FOCUS ON FAITH
I try to make God a part of my daily life, but sometimes it all just gets so hustley and bustley that I feel like He about dang near gets crowded out completely.  In April I want to spend more time contemplating the spiritual and developing deeper connections with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

Sub goals:
- 30 minutes of "quiet time" a day- time to read scriptures, ponder, and write down spiritual impressions.  Tell Greg my plan so he is not trying to distract me while I am working on this.
- Attend the temple every week in April.
- Deeper focus during prayers.
- Be patient and loving.  Pray for help throughout the day when I feel like I am lacking.

MAY:  SAVE
Greg and I will likely have some big expenses coming up (June's goal is to go to Europe!) so I want May to be a month of absolute loyalty to my bank account.  No spending other than what is absolutely necessary- gas, groceries, etc.  It's only for a month.  I can do it.

JUNE:  GO TO EUROPE
Ever since Greg and I have been married we have wanted to go to Russia together, where he served his mission.  Every summer there is a reason not to, and this summer I am crossing my fingers and fighting hard that the reasons not to go will have finally run out.  My sister lives in Germany so we would love to do a combined Germany/ Russia trip.

JULY:  BE KIND
One thing that I have often wished about myself is just that I was a kinder person.  I can feel it happening slowly, but it is a long process as my natural tendency is to be sassy and give attitude.  It requires a lot of deliberate attention.

Sub goals:
- No saying unkind things about people when they are not around.
- No saying unkind things about people when they are around.
- Tell people how much they mean to me.
- Say thank you more.
- Do one act of service a day for someone.  Go out of my way to help people.
- Write hand written notes.
- Give more compliments.
- Give more hugs.

AUGUST:  SLOW DOWN AND BE PRESENT
I often think about Thoreau's words, "our lives are being frittered away by details."  In August I would like to slow down and just live a very present life.  (Posts on that here and here.)  I want to relax and enjoy the small things and not feel rushed or stressed or hurried, but just enjoy life in its simplicity.

SEPTEMBER:  TAKE CARE OF MY BODY
My body does a lot for me without asking too much in return.  Time to give back.

Sub goals:
- Exercise 30-60 minutes a day.
- Eat more raw fruits and vegetables.
- Only one sweet thing a day.
- Drink more water.
- Spend time outside every day.

OCTOBER:  BECOME A BETTER PHOTOGRAPHER
I got a nice camera, but I still have no idea how to use it.  Mostly I feel like a huge doofus carrying it around everywhere with me and trying to work the buttons.  In October I really want to take the time needed to figure out how to use the camera to the best of its ability.  I would love to take a class to help if my schedule permits.  At the very least I need to do some serious reading of the manual and read anything online I can find to help me out and just get out and play with it.

NOVEMBER: COOK MORE
We eat the same 5-7 meals all the time because I have mastered  5-7 meals that we both like.  Time to expand this a bit.
Sub goals:
- Try two new recipes a week.
- Invite another family to eat with us once a week.

DECEMBER:  SERVICE AND CHARITY
I couldn't decide if this was too close to July's goal to "be kinder", but then I decided that even if it was, I would like two months to work on charity, kindess, etc. anyway.  Subgoals are pretty much the same as July's but with the addition that in December I would like to participate in some kind of service project/ Sub for Santa.  I want to be more purposeful about serving those in need.

Alright, there you have it!  12 months, 12 goals.  The beauty of it is that right now I only have to think about one goal- refocusing on blogging.  Which means I'm going to answer some emails, get my sponsor stuff in line, and respond to comments.  Wow, this is going to be easy!

And hey, why not make this a link up?!?  If you made resolutions leave the link below.  I'd love to see them!

Let's review this 2013, shall we?

JANUARY

Highlights:  Met my blogging idol, C.Jane, analyzed the fierce complexity of grocery shopping, started Bon's Book Club, wrote mine and Greg's love story (here and here), and took 214 seventeen year olds to the movies.   

Lowlights:  Had the coldest January in Utah since 1938, never wanted to leave the house, Greg got deathly ill and puked his guts out until we finally took him to the emergency room.

FEBRUARY

Highlights:  Wrote one of my favorite posts about grief, celebrated Valentines Day, blogged about blogging, and quit my job.

Lowlights:  Decided I am the worst blogger ever, Watched the Jazz lose a bunch of games, and quit my job.  Still don't know if I should put the quit my job on a highlight or a lowlight as it allowed for change and growth, but was incredibly difficult to leave Copper Hills.

MARCH

Highlights: Went to Sunny Arizona to watch one of my mission besties get married, celebrated two years of marital bliss with Greg, welcomed my lil sis home from 18 months in Argentina, reviewed one of my favorite books of the year, The Fault in our Stars,  wrote one of my favorite essays on love and snow, and got some people riled up with my "truths."

Lowlights:  Decided that the problems in public education are too many and too complex for my little mind.

APRIL

Highlights:  Had the best weekend of my life when I went on a girls' vacation with my college besties and roommates, welcomed spring with open arms, wrote an open question post about the beliefs of Mormons and loved the discussion that ensued, answered some f.a.q. about the blog, and decided I don't believe in missing out.

Lowlights:  Went through a bunch of ugly wedding pictures and decided Greg and I are not nearly as photogenic as we think. 

MAY

Highlights:  Hung out with my best friend, Akasha who lives in California,  Read The Happiness Project,  and after incredible stress and indecision decided with Greg not to move to California but to stay in Utah for the time being.  I found a job at another high school in Utah.

Lowlights:  May 2013 will go down in the books as the month of stress.  Greg and I were so confused what to do about our work situation- Greg had graduated and for two years we had planned to move to California when he did.  But all of a sudden nothing felt right.  I searched for jobs for countless hours with no luck, and hit wall after wall trying to get my California certification.  Making the decision to go was stressful and making the decision to stay was stressful, but seven months later I couldn't be happier with the place we are at in our lives.  Posts full of angst and worry written during this time here and here and here.

JUNE

Highlights:  Celebrated my 27th birthday, reveled in the absolute beauty of summer, came up with 14 cures for writer's block, and told you all about my elementary school crush.

Lowlights:  Bawled my eyes our when I said goodbye to my students at Copper Hills, got scammed out of $1200 and did a lot of crying then too.

JULY

Highlights:  Spent a week in Hawaii with Greg and his family, revisited all my favorite beaches from when I went to school there, read a lot of books and celebrated my favorite man's birthday.

Lowlights:  Lowlights don't exist in July.

AUGUST

Highlights:  Spent my days at the pool like the true child I am, said goodbye to summer, started a new job at a new school, moved into a new apartment, and wrote my most popular post ever on the lies that MTV teaches teenagers.

Lowlights:  Ranted and raved about bloggers who don't treat their sponsors right,  tried to become a fashion blogger and failed miserably, and on a more serious note, mourned the untimely loss of a former student.

SEPTEMBER

Highlights:  Went with my sisters and mom on a girls' weekend in Cedar City, enjoyed some good old fashioned baseball with Greg, settled into a new job and a new home.

Lowlights: Struggled with feelings of inadequacy and jealousy, ranted against people who complain about sponsors, and got myself in a bit of trouble for writing this post on why blogs suck.

OCTOBER

Highlights:  Celebrated Halloween with friends and family, figured out my teaching philosophy,  analyzed what it means to be married,  GOT A PUPPY (posts here and here), and enjoyed every single day of beautiful weather that October has to offer.

Lowlights: Struggled to find balance in life,  Does such a thing exist?

NOVEMBER

Highlights:  Marked four years since my dad's passing and the day was one filled with remarkable peace and beauty, analyzed why I blog and the difficulties that sometimes come with living so public a life, put up a bunch of pictures that have no business being on a blog, and celebrated my mama's birthday in style.

Lowlights:  Got fed up with people for being frustrated with "kids these days."  It's the parents, I say!

DECEMBER

Highlights:  Decided I'm the worst student ever, took a bit of a blogging break and tried to simplify my life, celebrated Christmas, watched my lil sis get married.

Lowlights:  The weather turned absolutely nasty for a couple of weeks warning us of  exactly what winter can do to us if she wants, and my mom sold our family cabin.

That's it folks, the year in one post.  Here's to 2014!